my blog has bled out a bit
i have enjoyed blogging for most of the time, and i have been blogging years now
but ever since cees and i broke up, i haven't felt like it any longer
i got sick of taking pictures of my own face over and over again
i got sick of myself, and sharing things about myself
and i needed to focus on different things in life
besides breaking up my relation, i had to break down my plans for the future as well
the future i had thought would be ours, i now had to face alone again
and being alone scared me terribly,
the feeling of not belonging anywhere scared me even more
"who am i without someone loving me like that" i've asked myself for quite some time
but this summer i have found a different side of life
i have met so many new, loving, special and caring people
they all took me in so easily, and for the first time in my life i actually have a social life.
i'm having a taste of how my puberty could have been; going to parties and dancing at night
having drinks, meeting people and trying out life in any possible way
being unable to lead the 'normal' life has defined me for so long
i have felt worthless, lonely, guilty and ashamed for not being able
to function the way i am 'supposed to' in this society
we are supposed to be successful, beautiful, functional
we are supposed to have a lot of friends, and party every weekend
we are supposed to choose our carreer at the age of fourteen
to study so we'll get a good job that will secure our future.
and i am none of these things.
i believe a lot of people from my generation have suffered the pressure of society
or maybe not really the pressure, i think it is mostly because the world is changing so rapidly fast
depression, anxiety issues and other mental issues are so common these days
and personally i believe this is one of the reasons.
at least it is for me.
what a terrible question i think it is when someone asks me 'what i do'
because i have to admit to them, and myself, that i dont 'do' something
because with asking 'what i do' they're asking me whether i study or work
and i don't. and i used to be ashamed of that, and still am sometimes
these days i don't lie about that any longer and tell those who ask straightforward
and i will tell you, my dear readers and writers, straightforward
because i don't think it's good to pretend to be more than i am
i haven't been able to do school, and have been sick and in and out of hospitals and clinics
for the past eight years.
my life has been lived for me for years
i haven't developed myself the way i should, or more importantly, not the way i wanted
when i finally got out of the sick world i lived in
i thought moving out and living together with cees would be the start of my life
but it turned out to be the end of our relationship
and i had to move again and start over again, as i have done so many times before
and now i finally feel like i am settling down
i am starting to accept that i am not going to be the regular girl, with the regular life
i am starting to accept that my body works like an old ladies body
within time, i'll try building up my life again
but for now i am trying to make my life meaningful in my own way
by taking care of people around me, by taking them as they are and loving them
by noticing the invisible and by learning about myself through talking to strangers
if there is one thing i have learned these past years
is that everybody has their own flaws and struggles, their own battles to fight
and that none of these things should be compared.